One can only have so much thoughts.
In my case, being thoughtless was never a thing—maybe except for when it comes to exams. Constantly, at every single moment of time, my head is filled with thoughts. More so these days than others because of one thing: worry.
Worry about what? The future.
*cough* a job *cough*
People tell me I’m lucky I’m this smart and aware of the world around me. That I’m something else for being so woke and knowing so much about what I want and just how I’d get it. They try to put me in this pedestal as someone they’d look up to for being so in control of her life.
But that bravado, that confidence, the optimism I show all the time? That’s all for show.
To show you? Oh, heck no, to show me.
Yes, that’s how worried I am. I’m so worried and anxious that I have to wear a stupid mask of confidence to make myself believe that I’ve got things under control. In reality, I’m far, soooo far from even touching whatever this is to have it under any control. I am only optimistic so that I can trick myself into believing that good things really are bound to happen.
There are many difficulties of the mind, and I’d go as far as saying as especially mine.
Being around people and knowing what goes on around their minds sometimes makes me wonder, what if I was like that? What I don’t over think the way I do? What if I saw the world as simple as they did? Would it be better? Would I sleep better at night?
It’s difficult to be inside my mind, to constantly hear it babbling about the future, babbling about what needs to be done and what can be, what could be, what should be.
Even right now, I have no idea what I would write because I could write about anything at all and my mind would go on and on about these things, simultaneously accumulating more thoughts, digging deeper and deeper by the second.
I’ve written about the time, the past, the present and the future in one of my poems. To explain how difficult it is in the realms of my thoughts, imagine all those coexisting all at the same time—the past in line with the present in line with the future.
That’s how difficult my mind is, always thinking about what happened, what’s happening and what could and what will happen.
I hope your mind is a safer place. I hope you are able to breathe and experience having no worries. Yet life is a worry itself so, I guess you find things that help you forget about the anxieties, even for a while. And in those moments you’re not worrying, I hope you’re living.
this has all been stupid and just me babbling the whole time sorry