subway trains and you

there’s a striking resemblance to what i feel when the subway train comes, and what i feel when you do. a fear. fear of falling down on the rails, just as the train would pass. fear of falling in your arms, of falling in love too fast. an exhilaration. of when the wind of its […]

I give up

The scariest part of suicide is that it doesn’t make you fear the pain or oblivion or afterlife, it makes you anticipate it. I wasn’t scared at all about heaven and hell and not living anymore, there was nothing on my mind but the fact that if I step onto the chasm, all my worries would be gone. All the self-loathing, all the agony trapped inside me would just disappear, as would I. But that doesn’t scare me; I want not another second in this world. I want to be gone. To rest, eternally.
 
I wasn’t sad that I won’t be able to see my friends or my family or see anything anymore, if it meant I would be free from this misery, I’d have stepped from the platform in a blink.
 
But tonight, even as I was going to do the most selfish thing I would’ve done in my entire life, when finally I thought I’d be doing something for myself and myself only, the people around me threw shit.
 
“If you’re going to do it, just remember all the things I sacrificed for you.”
Even in the fucking edge, they throw me what I owe them.
So I didn’t do it. I didn’t jump, or stepped from the high platform to fall.
Doesn’t mean I didn’t die, though.
 
Words hurt more than the sharpest knives, the most destructive bombs and bullets. And tonight, the words killed me.
“I’m not doing this for me,” is my new mantra.
Nothing I’m doing is for my own self anymore. It’s for the people around me who I owe my life to, because apparently, I don’t own it.
They used to say that you’re given obstacles because God is testing your faith and because he knows you can get past it. Tonight I want to tell God that he had overestimated me. I’m not strong enough to handle what he’s given me. I can’t.
I give up.
 
I’m gone. What’s left is only a vessel supposed to pay back what I owe people. But I’m gone. I’m not here anymore. I’m sorry.

static

it’s all static noise now,
ever since you left.
i stare at the empty space beside me,
and my agony couldn’t be kept.

i screamed and i screamed,
and i clawed at my throat,
but the noise of your absence couldn’t be drowned out.
it went on and on; a single, devastating note.

– s.c.m.

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for when you feel nothing

Read this when you feel nothing.   And by nothing, I mean everything at once.   When the walls you’ve slowly built around your fragile heart have been bombarded yet again by the painful words.   When you thought you were strong enough to just ignore them, but still, the walls crumble, still, the walls […]

supernova

you were the only star in my sky, yet i don’t even shine for you my planets are my heart, my soul and my mind— they revolve around you my comets and my asteroids are my words i throw into oblivion— they’re all waiting for you we all gravitate around you, a solar system made […]

summer

i was reminded of how fragile it all was, of how little time we had, of how delicate the love we share is— i was thrown back to reality so fast, that there was no question; our love was not meant to last. i was reminded of how imperfect we both are, of how impossible […]

she-wolf

she is vicious; always on her toes, she attacks anyone who comes too close she is rabid, she is wild, she’s full of wonder like a child she is untamed; she has no rules to follow she doesn’t bend around a norm, for the norm is afraid to be swallowed by her ecletic views and […]

you don’t get it

you don’t get it; i said i won’t leave and there’s nothing you can do that would make me go you think after one breakdown, that after i see your broken form— your real self, naked and bare— i would leave. you think when i witness your demons wreaking havoc and your struggle for control, […]

fall

fall on your knees and tell me you’re sorry, sounds like an order but it’s more like a plea regret what you did and tell me you’ll change, promise me your heart and all the blood in your veins erase her name, her kisses, and her touch from your memory, and i would try to […]